The Life and Lies of Edward Cullen
by CrazyNerdyFangirl
Summary: You know what Edward has to say about his past, but how much of that's actually true? How much of it's all just a bunch of lies? How long will it take for us to uncover the REAL Edward Cullen, the one you never knew? Co-written by CJ Izzy 103.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This story is co-written by CJ Izzy. So yay her! If there are any Edward fans reading this, you might hate this story. So flame it all you want! In fact, we welcome flames! We **_**want**_** flames. We're aware that this is short, but it'll get longer later. This is just the intro.**

Edward Cullen had everything he wanted in life. He had good looks, an amazing body. He had a beautiful wife and a beautiful daughter. He was friends with the man who used to be his rival, Jacob Black. Of course, that man was to be his son-in-law, but still. His family had made allies with the werewolves and had successfully avoided the wrath of the Volutri. All in all, life (or in his case, existence) was going pretty well for Edward.

Though it hadn't always been this way. Sure, at first glance it would seem that Edward had the perfect life, but if you dared to dig deeper, look past his fake, sparkly appearance and into his past, you'd see he was anything but this perfect vampire. In fact, you might even see horrors beyond imaginable. You would see what little mister Gayward Cullen or Edweird Cullen or Mr. Sparkles (whichever you prefer) has tried to hide for years.

Edward Cullen had lived for a long time. He had supposedly told his family and his beloved, Bella, what had gone on in those years. But what if he had some deep, dark secrets that he never wanted to come out into the open? Are there things he'd rather hide from anyone he knew, for fear that they would look down on him? Of course, there were some people who knew some of his secrets, but none knew all of them. He was much too smart to let them find out.

Who says that Renesmee is Edward's only daughter? Who says that he never wrote emo poetry? Who says that he never had feelings for men? Who says that he was never called names as a kid? Who says that his parents actually died of natural causes? Who says that he never had dirty thoughts about Spongebob? Who says that he can keep all these secrets locked inside, safe from prying public eyes? Someone was bound to find out eventually.

That will be our job for the next few weeks. We have endeavored to find out every dirty little secret Edward Cullen has *cues Dirty Little Secret by the All-American Rejects in the background* So HAHAHAHAHAHA, you Twi-Hard Edward fans. Edward Cullen isn't the perfect man you would like to believe he is. You thought Eddy-kins was perfect? Well, you're wrong! So read on…if you dare.

**AN: Are you intrigued? Do you want to read on? Well, review! And for you Edward fangirls, FLAME YOUR HEART OUT! **


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Sorry for the long wait. But here's chapter two of The Life and Lies of Edward Cullen. It's pretty short, though longer than the last chapter. I haven't read Twilight in a while, so I give any Twi-hards permission to correct me if Edward's last name was ever actually given in the books and if I got his year of birth wrong. I probably did. I am **_**such**_** a perfectionist, so I want everything to be perfect.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, but I do own the facts that I made up. Huh, "facts that I made up". Kind of contradictory…**

Edward Cullen was not always the sparkly, gay vampire you know now. He was once…human. Yes, I know how hard that is for fangirls to understand, but he was once like us. Human. Mortal. Not sparkly.

Edward Masen was born to Elizabeth Masen and Edward Masen Sr. in 1901. He was born in the city of Chicago, Illinois. He was born to parents who didn't have a lot of money but weren't poor either. His father was a well-known criminal and his mother had already cheated on many of her previous husbands (she'd had six husbands, which was positively scandalous at that time). In fact, there were many controversies as to who Edward's real father was. Elizabeth always claimed that her husband was the boy's real father, but who really knew for sure? He could be another man's illegitimate child. It was no wonder his "father" was wary of him.

He was an ugly little boy, nowhere near was "handsome" as he is now. As a baby, he was extremely colicky and got sick very easily. Doctors said that his immune system was weak, which was really a euphemism for "Edward is so weak and pathetic that he will probably die." In fact, according to an inside source, Edward's biological mother was once reported to say, "I hate this boy!" when taking care of him.

Yes, his own mother hated him too. Is that really much of a surprise?

He always kept his parents awake because of his loud, incessant crying. It seemed like he was always wanting something: food, love, a diaper change, etc. He never seemed to be satisfied with what he had.

Which just goes to show you, old habits die hard.

His relatives were all ashamed of him—especially the relatives on his father's side. They all wondered if Edward really was the son of who his mother claimed he was the son of. Even his mother's relatives didn't like him. He was the son of a well-known criminal. Who would really like the fact that one of their relatives had married a convict? Edward's grandparents were especially disappointed. They had never agreed with their children's marriage choices; they had hoped that a beautiful baby boy would be able to make up for the fact that they did not approve of who the parents were. But they were sorely disappointed when they saw Edward for the first time. He was not a beautiful little boy. He was actually quite ugly and disagreeable.

That was when his parents began fighting. Edward grew up listening to them fight back and forth about the simplest things—who would have to wash the dishes, whose turn it was to take out the trash, whose turn it was to take a shower first... But they also fought about more important things as well—if they should have given Edward up for adoption at birth (which then seemed like the best choice), whose fault it was he was such an incompetent little fool… Because though Edward became "educated" when he turned into a vampire, he was not a very smart boy as a human.

In fact, when he went to school, his peers taunted him constantly. He was frequently called "Gayward" and "Edweird". His teacher always hated teaching him because he was always so slow to understand the simplest concepts. He once added 2 + 2 and got 2.

He got depressed constantly because he thought his life was so bad. In fact, some reports say that he began writing dark, depressing poetry (an example will be enclosed in the next chapter). In fact, there were some rumors that he began to cut himself. Because Edward's life was already pretty bad as a child, it couldn't get any worse, right?

Well, wrong.

**AN: Sorry about the short chapter. CJ Izzy103 has things to take care of, so I wrote the chapter by myself. Hope you thought it was good! It probably wasn't very funny though. I actually have added 2 and 2 and gotten 2 before. And that was this school year. You may be wondering why I didn't include an emo poem in this chapter. Well, it's because I stink at writing poetry. But there's this wannabe-emo guy at my school who everyone says can write emo poetry, maybe I'll get him to write something…**

**Review?**


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hey, CrazyNerdyFangirl here. Um…CJ Izzy103 hasn't replied to my PMs in a while (April, actually), and I felt that this story has been neglected too long, so I decided to update this. Hopefully, she understands. CJ Izzy, if you're reading this, PM ME! Yeah…so this chapter is kind of random. Very random, actually. I don't know who gave me the idea for this, but whoever did is a genius.**

Edward was never loved by his parents (not that he knew that; he thought he was loved by everyone around him), but he was even less loved when he was five and got a little sister. Up until this time, his parents had tolerated his presence, but when his sister Amanda Masen was born, Edward's wants and wishes (and even Edward himself) were immediately forgotten.

You see, Amanda was the perfect baby. She had the perfect little baby smile that made you want to give her a lollipop (did lollipops exist in 1906?). She had light blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She didn't cry too much and blushed adorably often. She had a poor immune system, but that was really her only fault. Elizabeth and Edward Sr., Edward's parents, absolutely loved this baby. They always told Edward to be more like his sister. When Edward pointed out that Amanda was a baby and that surely his parents wouldn't want him to act like a _baby_, they would roll their eyes and tell him to go away. And then Edward would go into his emo corner and pout.

But when she was one year old, Amanda died of a mysterious cause.

Doctors said that one day, her poor immune system could no longer fight off sicknesses and she had died of that. That was the official cause of her death. Many of her relatives attended her funeral and talked about what a good little baby she had been. People could say more good things about Amanda than Edward even though she hadn't been able to do much more than eat, sleep, and cry. And frankly, that was just pathetic.

But was the official cause of her death the real reason she died?

Well, you can decide for yourself.

Finding out what happened that day was not easy. But through extensive research, I have figured out what _really_ happened that day. What do I mean by "extensive research", you may ask? Did you really think I would tell you? Of course not.

It was the morning of May 6, 1906 and Edward's father had already left for work. Nobody knew what Edward Sr. did for a living. There were rumors that he robbed innocent people for money, but that had never been proven. Some people thought that Edward would follow in his father's footsteps. But no, he became something much, much worse.

He turned sparkly.

But let's get back to the story at hand, shall we?

Edward, his mother, and Amanda were left in the house. Elizabeth loved taking care of Amanda (because she was such a Mary-Sue-ish baby), but her bright mood was less bright because Edward was also there. She wanted to leave the house, but she didn't have a good excuse to. So Elizabeth sat in the house, bored out of her mind, with Edward bugging her relentlessly. It was enough to drive anyone crazy.

"Mother, can I have this plate of cookies?" Edward asked, trying to act innocent, but only managing to look like a total moron.

"No."

"Can I go outside to play with my friends?"

"You have no friends."

"Can I write emo poetry?"

"No, I doubt you can write at all."

And so this went on and on for hours on end until Elizabeth simply couldn't take it anymore. "I'm leaving for a few hours, Edward!" she exclaimed. She got her coat from its rack near the door and walked outside. Edward looked shocked.

"No! What about Amanda?" Edward asked his mother in a panicked voice.

Elizabeth was conflicted for a moment—after all, she didn't want to leave her precious daughter with her creepy older brother. But in the end, she decided that she had been such a good mother than she deserved a break from good parenting. "She's asleep right now, Edward. She won't be a problem."

"But—"

"Just babysit her for me," Elizabeth commanded. Then, she proceeded to walk out the door and slam it behind her.

Of course, Amanda chose this exact moment to wake up and start crying and screaming.

As soon as the responsibility of taking care of Amanda fell to Edward, she started crying. It was just his luck. Oh, the fucking irony.

A good mother wouldn't leave her five-year-old son alone in the house with his one-year-old sister with instructions to babysit her. But as you may have deduced by now, Elizabeth was—contrary to her belief—not a good mother.

Edward groaned. How was he supposed to silence her? He certainly wasn't going to put up with her incessant crying. He walked into her room, trying to decide how to get her to stop crying. Amanda's face was red and wet with tears. Edward decided to wrap a diaper around her mouth to silence her cries. Edward—being slightly stupid—accidentally grabbed a used diaper instead of a clean one. He tied it over Amanda's mouth. Needless to say, she just ripped the diaper off and cried even harder.

Edward considered killing her—surely that would silence her, unless she could cry when she was dead. Killing her would solve so may of his problems. But no, his parents would surely kill _him_ if she killed _her. _They adored Amanda for some inexplicable reason.

Edward spent the next few minutes trying to silence Amanda. Some of the ways he tried were certainly creative. One involved a sledgehammer, a piece of string, and a plethora of chocolate-chip cookies. But no matter what he tried, she just kept crying harder. Edward was frustrated and had run out of ideas. He was just about to decide to let Amanda keep crying and let his mother deal with her when she got home when he got a brilliant idea.

He could sit on her.

Edward, being a dimwitted idiot, thought this was a perfectly acceptable plan. She would stop crying because her mouth would be covered. Though what would be covering her mouth would certainly be undesirable. And as a bonus, Edward had somewhere to sit. He didn't know how comfortable sitting on his little sister would be, but it was better than nothing.

So he got on the bed where his sister was still crying and sat on her face. He shifted a little to get more comfortable. His sister's crying was muffled by his bottom. Edward thought the idea was pure genius. After a while, Amanda stopped crying at all. After a few more hours, she stopped moving. It took Edward another hour to realize something was wrong.

He got up and looked at his sister. He touched her face. Her skin was unnaturally cold. Edward had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. He took her wrist and checked her pulse. Nothing. It was then that Edward probably muttered a few choice curse words that he had heard his father say. Had having Edward's rear end on her face prevent her from breathing, therefore killing Amanda? Or did the terrible fumes from Edward's posterior end suffocate the poor girl? We may never know. The fact that he had just killed his sister hadn't hit Edward yet.

Edward heard the front door open and close. His mother was home. His first instinct was to hide his sister. So he took his sister in his arms and hid her under the bed. About a second after Edward finished hiding his sister's body, the bedroom door opened and Elizabeth strode in.

"Where's your sister?" she demanded.

This is where details may be inaccurate. Neighbors were reported to have heard Elizabeth yelling at her son in an enraged voice. They heard Edward yelling "It was an accident!" and "You told me to baby_sit_ her!"

Edward's parents made a big deal out of Amanda's funeral. Amanda was more important to them than Edward could ever be. The day he sat on his sister and killed her was also the day he realized his parents didn't love him. He realized that nobody loved him. He even wrote his first emo poem at the age of five:

_I am out of luck_

_My life sucks_

_The skies are always black_

_(Edward couldn't think of a rhyme for "black", so the poem stopped there)_

That day was the day Edward realized that life was unfair.

Ain't life a bitch?

**AN: Ideas are welcome. **

**Review?**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hey! I have two blisters on my feet from wearing uncomfortable shoes and they hurt like heck! Yay! Edward is about 8 now, I guess.**

Even though Edward was the right age to start school, his parents still weren't sure he should be sent to school. They were afraid that their son would go creeper on everyone and/or kill someone else. Neither option would be very pleasing. So they argued late into the night, trying to decide whether Edward should go or not.

"We don't want him killing anyone!" his mother would say.

"Shouldn't he have an education?" his father would ask.

"He won't be able to learn anything anyway," his mother would reply.

"True. But we wouldn't have to put up with him for a few hours," his father would point out.

"Good point."

The next morning, they would have forgotten all about their fight. Edward actually wanted to go to school (silly little boy). He thought that maybe he would be able to find a friend there. Someone who liked him in spite of all his creeper tendencies. Yeah, dream on, sucker. Still, school started and Edward didn't go. He stayed at home while his parents argued about him. It got to the point where Edward started biting himself to relieve the boredom. Edward thought it was _much_ more sophisticated than cutting himself.

He was practically born to be a sparkly vampire!

Finally, one day, Elizabeth and Edward Masen Sr. confronted their son. They had decided to let him come to school, even though he would start a few weeks later than everyone else. Maybe that was for the best. The other students hadn't had to put up with Edward's face for those weeks.

"Edward, you're going to school tomorrow," his father announced with a grimace.

"Try not to kill anyone by letting them look at your face too long and don't sit on anyone," his mother warned.

"Don't be a pedophile."

"And try to be less creepy." Elizabeth knew that this was impossible, but it was worth a try.

Edward's face stretched into a wide smile. "Is school fun?" he asked. The words "school" and "fun" should not be used in the same sentence. It does against the laws of the universe.

"Sure," his father lied.

And so Edward skipped to school the next day, happier than…er, happy things. He was singing a song to himself as he went along—he was completely off-key, but he didn't care about that. All he cared about was the fact that he might find a friend at school! That was highly unlikely, but our little Eddykins didn't know that.

Edward was so happy that he accidentally fell into a small lake on his way to school. He had been skipping along carelessly and hadn't seen that he was approaching the lake. By the time he noticed it, it was already too late. He had already fallen in and was soaking wet. Oops.

Edward climbed out, still with a creepy smile on his face. He continued to skip to school in his wet clothes, as content as can be.

When Edward got to school late, all the students turned their eyes to him. The teacher, a blonde woman who was wearing a light blue dress, didn't notice Edward at first. She was writing something on the chalkboard. Finally, the teacher realized that there was a new student and she turned to Edward to berate him for being late.

She didn't get to the berating part.

As soon as she took one look at Edward's face, she started screaming. She widened her eyes and pointed an accusing finger at Edward. "Eek! It's a creepy person thing!" She let out a shriek that could be heard two counties over.

Edward sighed. It seemed like he always had this effect on people. Why couldn't everyone just realize that he was irresistibly handsome and worship him? It would make life so much easier. "But I'm just a little boy," Edward said innocently, trying to give her the sad puppy look. It made her want to throw up.

"Eek! It's a creepy little boy thing!" she yelled. The students in the class looked at this exchange with wide eyes. The boy really did look like the creepy-pedophile-stalker-potentially-sparkly type. But he was scaring their teacher, and stuff that scares teachers couldn't be all bad, right? The students didn't know whether to run to their teacher's aide or cheer the creepy kid on. They decided to just sit in silence.

The teacher let out one more shriek and then ran past Edward out the door. In her haste, she accidentally tripped over a rock and fell, hitting her head against a tree. She fell to the ground, unconscious.

There was an awkward silence as the class stared at Edward. Nobody knew what to do. Finally, a redheaded girl by the name of Eliza spoke.

"Great, now that Miss Mary is unconscious, we're going to have Mrs. Williams as our teacher," she said. There was a collective groan from the class.

"And it's all thanks to the new kid," Eliza's brother Gerald, a slightly chubby redheaded boy, accused.

"Thanks, new kid," a tall blonde boy, Samuel, said sarcastically. Edward wondered whether he should respond with "you're welcome". Then he realized that it wouldn't exactly be appropriate to say that in a classroom full of students who were thirsting for his blood. Not literally. Actually, in a few years, he would be thirsting for their blood, literally.

"How long do you think it'll take her to get here?" a girl with waist-length brown hair named Emily asked.

"She could come any minute now. She knows everything that happens here. She probably already knows that Miss Mary is unconscious," James, a boy with short dark brown hair said ominously. The students looked toward the door. Edward was confused. Who was this Mrs. Williams? And was she that bad? From the way everyone had been talking about her, it seemed she was.

Suddenly, the door flew open and hit the wall with a loud _bang_. All the students flinched. In the doorway stood an imposing lady in a black dress. Her brown hair was tied in a neat bun and her mouth was unsmiling. Her blue eyes were ice-cold as she looked at the classroom. In one hand she held a ruler. Somehow, Edward had the feeling that she didn't just use it for measuring.

"Hello, Mrs. Williams," the class chorused as a group while Edward just stood there dumbly.

Mrs. Williams turned her blue eyes to Edward. She glared at him when she saw that his clothes were soaking wet. "Who are you?" she asked, her voice devoid of any kindness or warmth.

"Edward," he answered, trying to smile but failing.

"Why are your clothes wet?" she asked.

"I…uh…fell into a lake…" Edward admitted.

"You're creepy," the teacher stated matter-of-factly. "Sit in the back so you won't scare other children," she commanded.

Edward ran to a seat in the back of the classroom to get out of the immediate vicinity of the woman. She turned to the chalkboard. "I am your teacher for the day. Some of you know me. I am Mrs. Williams. Because Miss Mary is now unconscious, I will be taking over," she announced. Then she turned around to glare at the class again. Everyone hastily plastered fake smiles on their faces.

"Today, we're going to start with…" the teacher said more, but Edward tuned her out. She was just so dang boring! He began biting himself, and got away with it for about 15 minutes before the teacher noticed him.

"What are you doing?" she demanded.

"I'm biting myself," Edward said. He had no idea that one was not supposed to bite oneself in a classroom.

"Why?" she asked. She had never heard of anyone doing something so absolutely absurd. Who in their right mind would bite themselves? But as she would find out soon, Edward was definitely not in his right mind.

"Because it's fun…" Edward said hesitantly.

The teacher gave him a look that practically screamed, "Get this extremely creepy boy out of my sight!" Then she turned to a group of girls who were sitting in one of the corners of the classroom. "You can hit him if you want," she told them.

The girls smiled wickedly and Edward was suddenly very scared. It was a group of three girls. They looked like triplets with the same blonde hair and blue eyes. Heck, they were even wearing identical pink dresses. They took out their little-girl purses—of course, pink—and approached Edward slowly. The other students backed away.

"Um, what are you doing?" Edward asked them nervously. One of the girls raised her purse over her head.

"This is for being a creeper!" she cried.

Suddenly, she brought the purse down, hitting Edward with it. It seemed to be a signal to the other two girls to do the same. They were beating Edward up with pink purses. They hit him everywhere they could reach. His face, his eyes, his arms, his legs, etc.

"Are little girls even supposed to have purses in the early 1900's?" Edward asked, slightly out of breath because of a particularly painful blow to his chest.

"We don't know!" one of the girls replied.

After a painful hour, they finally stopped hitting him with their purses. Edward was curled up on the floor, checking over his injuries. Bruises covered his skin, he had many long scratches, and everyone thought that he had lost his ability to have children. Too bad they were wrong. The world would be a better place if they had been right.

He stood up painfully. "What was that for?" he asked in a wounded tone.

"That was for being a creeper, you jackass," one of the little blonde girls replied.

And thus concluded Edward's first day of school.

**AN: I'm so mean to Edward… I think I might do another chapter describing the rest of his school years. Then he's going to meet Carlisle and turn into a vampire! I'm so ashamed of myself. I actually know how to spell Carlisle. Has anyone seen Eclipse? I heard it was better than the other Twilight movies. I haven't seen it yet. My friend Tanya (haha, she has the same name as one of the Twilight vamps) and I are going to rent it when it comes out on DVD so we can yell at the screen while watching it without people telling us to shut the hell up. I'm sure a lot of people wanted to tell us that when we were watching New Moon in theaters. New Moon is really just Taylor Lautner shirtless. **


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. I've been crazy busy with school. On the bright side, I'll be 14 in less than a month and I'm going to use my birthday money to buy The Lost Hero. I don't know how long this story will be. Maybe 20 chapters? Less? More? I dunno… I'm sorry about the short chapter, but I have a TON of homework left. I think he'll meet Carlisle next chapter. **

Edward sat in a tree, wondering whether he would die if he jumped down or not.

He looked down at the dizzying fall and cocked his head to the side, trying to figure out his little problem. He decided that if he fell at a _certain_ angle, he would only break both of his legs, and not die. How optimistic.

He had been driven up the tree earlier by his fellow classmates poking him with sticks. Edward did not like to be poked. It hurt. Especially when one kid stuck a stick up his butt. That was not fun at all.

Since Edward liked to keep his butt stick-free, he decided to climb up the tree to escape his tormentors. Actually, they were fine with him climbing up the tree, even though they couldn't poke Edward anymore. At least he was out of their sight.

And the best part was that he probably couldn't figure out how to get back down, so he would be stuck there!

Pwn.

Edward swung his legs back and forth, thinking about his predicament. If he ever got back down, he would make his classmates get punished for what they did. HIS BUTT STLL HURT.

He would tell on them.

Dun dun DUN.

Edward was about to do something that was practically a crime in school. He would tell the teacher what they had done to him and see that they got punished. Edward leaned back against the trunk of the tree, smirking. He felt evil. Eviller than those creepy guys with mustaches who stroked them every time they were thinking.

Eviller than that.

Edward, tired from all the pain he had endured that day, fell asleep leaning his head against the tree.

* * *

When Edward woke up, the sky was dark and he had multiple mosquito bites all over his body. He looked at them and sighed. Apparently, he had gotten bitten when he was asleep. They would start itching soon and he wanted to get out of the tree before that happened. He fell out of the tree awkwardly, hitting his head. The fall might give him brain damage in the future, but it wasn't like it would affect him all that much since he was already pretty damaged anyway.

Edward walked into the schoolhouse, intent on getting his teacher to punish the people who had poked him. She _had_ to listen to him, right? Teachers were supposed to listen to their student's complaints.

Even if their students were creepy beyond belief.

"Mrs. Williams, they poked me with sticks!" he yelled as he ran into the classroom.

The teacher raised her eyebrows and adjusted her spectacles with one hand. She regarded Edward coldly. "Who?" she asked.

"PEOPLE!"

How incredibly specific, Edward. Someone can totally figure out who hurt you if you tell them that "people" did it. There are only a few billion people, after all.

"Who?" she said, gritting her teeth.

"Those girls with purses and their friends!"

"Oh, okay, Edward. You may leave now," the teacher said, writing something on a piece of paper.

Edward smiled, confident that there would be some punishment in store for them. "So…what's going to happen those people?"

"Oh, they're going to get medals for tormenting you, of course," the teacher said nonchalantly.

"B-but, I thought you were going to punish them," Edward whined.

"Nope. Anyone who pokes you with sticks should be awarded prizes." She waved a hand at him to dismiss him.

Edward, who _totally _should have seen that coming, walked home, depressed.

* * *

Elizabeth cornered Edward the moment he got home. She looked…like crap, pretty much. It was obvious that she had been crying and her makeup was running.

"I'm sorry, Edward. Your father has left us," Elizabeth said, wiping tears from her eyes. Then she blinked as she thought about what she had just said. "Oh, who am I kidding? Why the hell am I consoling you? This is all your fault, ya little bitch."

Edward gaped, still in shock about the bombshell that his mother had just dropped on him. "What did you just say?" he asked in disbelief.

"Your father left us, and it's all your fault."

"What do you mean by…left us?"

"He ran away. Mostly from you, I might add."

Edward felt his blood run cold, which was weird since, well, that can't exactly happen… "What do you mean?"

"Damn, kid. You're like a broken record. Can't you come up with something better than 'what do you mean'?"

"My brain isn't working right! I just fell out of a tree! Can you _be_ more insensitive?" Edward asked angrily, rubbing his head to emphasize his point

"Actually, yes, I could be a lot more insensitive."

"You fail as a mother."

"And you fail as a son."

There was an awkward pause until Elizabeth said, "I believe this is called an impasse."

Edward frowned. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm going to use that word when talking to my future wife?"

Elizabeth patted Edward's head like one would do to a small child who didn't understand something. "Oh, Edward, that's funny. You'll never get married."

Edward frowned. "You _really_ fail as a mother."

"Your father left because of you. Read his note." Elizabeth handed Edward a note with his father's loopy handwriting on it.

_Dear Elizabeth,_

_I apologize for my abrupt leaving, but you must understand why I had to do so. We have discussed this before, but I could not take you with me because you need to keep Edward there in case he tries to follow me. I can't allow that. You might as well let Edward read this letter too. It probably wouldn't hurt him any. I mean, I tell him this stuff on a regular basis. _

_Edward, you are a worthless piece of shit. I hate you and wish you had never been born. I just couldn't live in the same house as such a creeper for a kid anymore and ran away. Haha, how do you like now, Eddykins? Huh? HUH? I hope you have a happy life, Elizabeth, and don't die from Edward's creepiness. I don't know if that's possible, but at least try. .._

_And maybe…he'll even become LESS creepy one day!_

_Impossible, but we can dream. But now you gotta deal with him yourself. Sucks to be you. _

_Sayonara, suckers!_

_-Your loving husband and father_

**AN: Not my best, but I don't think it's **_**that**_** bad. I have a huge headache since I don't get Biology AT ALL and I have a test tomorrow. **

**Review? **


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